I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection