I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Spotted in New Orleans.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different