kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”