Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Wait a second…
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.