“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents