“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.