[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
He took my last fry, your honor
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
u spoke cat all this time??????
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
brian had himself a morning…
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards