him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
You Might Also Like
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Doctors texting each other.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.