The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*