So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
War & Peace
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.