It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
A ghost story
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
There is no try. There is only give up.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.