Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You Might Also Like
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]