Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
🙀🙀🙀😹
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns