I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn