They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?