Is fructose made with real fruct?
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As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Twitter remains undefeated
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
giddy up Office Depot
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.