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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.