WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.