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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law