You Might Also Like
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Never let them know your next move 😂
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
bout dat hot dog summer
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Straight people are cancelled
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator