Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame