The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.