My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
how to have an accident 101
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When I snag the last meatball.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(