Me irl
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”