[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
You Might Also Like
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support