Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.