*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
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So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..