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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.