Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
(True)
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it