Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You Might Also Like
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
New mindset, who dis?