Are you a cat person or a person person?
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Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Yes, this is exactly right
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful