Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
You Might Also Like
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My dad is at it again
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
mmm onion ringos
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.