Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
When you don’t understand how floors work
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Breaking news:
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden