“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
when there are deer in the woods
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.