I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Proud to announce Iβve made Forbesβ β7 Billion under 7 Billionβ this year
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m choking laughing omfg ππππππππππ
Authors subtitle books βA Novelβ. Why donβt we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: iβm telling you
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.