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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m about to risk it all
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.