ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Okay me first
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.