Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.