Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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I love art.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Lmao
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.