Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Livid.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.