I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.