Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
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I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad