if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.