[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
rapatouille
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I might carry a baby with one hand.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets