interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?