“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”