[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Social Media and Real life
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.