my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
You Might Also Like
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.