me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.