Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD